If you are tired of not being called by your pronouns, don’t want to be hassled about going into any bathroom of your choosing, and getting your feelings hurt every time you hear from someone that they “Love America”?
Well, it might be time to pack your bags, grab the sunscreen, and prepare for something new. We’ve found five welcoming countries that will greet you with open arms—and no hard feelings! Here’s your official guide to saying ‘so long, farewell, and best of luck out there!
1. Mexico: “When in Doubt, Head South!”
Why Stay Close When You Can Hop the Border? Mexico’s your friendly southern neighbor; they’ll let you stay for up to four years with a Temporary Resident Visa. All you need is proof you can support yourself. Apply at a consulate, grab some tacos, and brush up on your “gracias.”
- Website: Mexico’s Consulate
- Bonus: Affordable living, warm beaches, and delicious cuisine make Mexico more tempting. It’s the laid-back paradise you’ve been daydreaming about. Be cautious, though; if you happen to wander into the wrong bathroom, your relocation may be cut short, amongst other cuts that will be made by the citizens who catch you.
2. Portugal: “Wine, Waves, and Welcome!”
Why Stick Around When Portugal Has Port Wine? Portugal’s D7 Visa rolls out the red carpet if you have income to float. All you need is proof of funds, an affinity for beautiful coastlines, and a willingness to adjust your siesta schedule.
- Website: Portugal’s Immigration Service
- Bonus: Beaches, laid-back cities, and the perfect excuse to sip wine while enjoying sunsets that’ll make you forget all about…well, whatever you’re leaving behind. Good universal healthcare is available as well to take care of those new STDs you will be exposed to.
3. Spain: “Because Flamenco and Siestas Are Legit!”
America Who? Flamenco What! The Non-Lucrative Visa is your golden ticket if you’re ready to embrace Spain’s “mañana, mañana” lifestyle. They just want to ensure you won’t work—only wander cobbled streets, savor tapas, and wonder why it took you this long to get your groove on.
- Website: Spain’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs
- Bonus: Think Picasso, paella, and plenty of sunshine. It’s Spain, where the good life is a daily ritual, and siestas aren’t frowned upon—they’re sacred. Spain will also help expose you to many new beliefs of faith that have befallen their great country, the Sharia law being imposed by other great newcomers who are also arriving by boat and truckloads. Good Luck with that!
4. Panama: “It’s a Vibe…With No Ice Scrapers”
Leave the Snow Shovel—Panama’s Warm All Year! Panama’s Friendly Nations Visa practically rolls out a red carpet for Americans, especially if you’re open to some “economic connection.” Start a small business, open a bank account, or show you’re ready to be friendly.
- Website: Panama’s National Immigration Service
- Bonus: Panama’s warm climate, expat communities, and—you guessed it—the dollar as currency. You’ll feel right at home counting those greenbacks. We will happily send your retirement checks to any bank you choose in exchange for your no-return to the USA signed agreement.
5. Canada: “No Need to Reboot Your TV Subscription, Eh?”
We’ll Take You, Neighbors! Canada’s Express Entry system is all about points, so dust off that resume. With the right combo of age, education, and language skills, Canada will gladly hand you the keys to the maple syrup kingdom.
- Website: Canada’s Immigration Service
- Bonus: Universal healthcare, cozy flannel, and mountains as far as the eye can see. Oh, they even have those mythical politeness unicorns you keep hearing about. What can I say, well nothing apparently in Canada, because if I do, the government will shut me out of my bank account and jail me for speaking up.
So, there you have it: five fantastic countries that would be delighted to have you (seriously, they might even like you better than we do). Whether you’re looking for sun-drenched beaches, laid-back towns, or high-quality healthcare, these countries are ready to say, “Welcome Home.” Just remember, do not write! Goodbye, good luck, and may your siestas be plentiful.
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